List poem

Here was today’s To Do List:

soup, make

rice, cook

tofu, bake

garbage, put out

coffee, roast

dishwasher, run

Blue Puffy, lay out

kitchen floor, sweep

drycleaning, pickup

underwear, don

Long time no write

Oh god, it’s practically killing me to be inside at the computer, watching the tree in my backyard swaying in the breeze.  It’s an incredibly beautiful spring day — we’ve been having an embarrassment of them in the last fortnight, and I just want to be outside.

Somehow I stopped writing.  Partly because I worked more than usual for a marathon-like three week period, and also because I’ve started weight-lifting.  This means uncommon fatigue after a workout, and this being the third one, I’m doing quite well by being conscious right now.

I am terrified that I am wasting my life.  I thought I’d just get that out there.  It seems that many people find meaning in raising children, but since that’s been definitively ruled out for me (by choice), here I am trying to find something to do with my life’s work.

And I’m probably PMS-ing, which makes all this worse.  I just wanted to get it all out there.

And I really should call my mom, but I’m dawdling.  It doesn’t really make a lot of sense.

And I gotta make oatmeal and pay the car insurance bill.

Today’s Zen exercise for the day told me to find some time away today away from the responsibilities, mentioning something about the sun with all the planets that orbit it, still finds time to ripen grapes.  As it turned out, I’d actually done that!  I was in a rush after going to Costco and desperately trying to remember what I needed to buy at 99 before I got there, when a voice inside me said, “Why don’t you take a quick walk at the dog park?  It’s a beautiful day, and look, you’re already perfectly dressed for it” (because I was).  So I did, and it was wonderful, what with the gorgeous springlike weather (I’ve been trying to squeeze every bit of enjoyment out of it all these days) and during the walk POP! I realize that I want to buy rice.  Ah, isn’t it great to relax enough so that the thoughts can flow?

Nuts, just checked the weather for the rest of the week — steadily going up 5 degrees per day until Friday’s high is *ninety*.  Yucks!

So the weightlifting has been great, and I love that Zed & I are actually DOING SOMETHING instead of passively enjoying entertainment together.

I wanna bake Irish soda bread, but I’m trying to lose weight.

Cultivating Friendships

There is some hokey poster hanging at work:

Flowers, friends, and credit.  They all need to be cultivated.

But so true.  And I’m not doing so well on the first two counts.  Nah, just the first.  It’s the weeds, really.  But back on point, for some reason I suddenly find myself calling people, making plans, and sending emails in a flurry that even surprises me.

It’s like I’ve awakened from the winter doldrums, dampness, and dormant and I’m bursting like my backyard blooms to socialize, nosh, and make merry.  The longer days is key to all this…I’m so excited that the sun doesn’t set until 19:47 tonight, which I happen to know because I want to go to the Marina and take it in, in all its glory.  I feel kinda guilty for not taking advantage here, while I made such a point of it when we were in Hawaii.  It’s the same darn sun, and even the same darn ocean.

Anyway, so I called a friend last week, and she had just moved out of her old place the night before into her new home!   Also last week I emailed another friend, who I know from  college regarding the company she works for in the news.  And then I called another friend this week, and he’s getting a divorce, right after he made it through the seven-year itch.  (That one particularly saddened me, as I was at the wedding, and they seemed like such a happy couple, but, as I always say, you never know what’s going on in a marriage).  And I emailed another cadre of friends about a get-together in May after our April plans were dashed.  And I called yet-another friend this week to get together for brunch this Sunday, and it’s all good!

So even though I didn’t make a conscious effort to cultivate my friendships, maybe that darn poster at work did its magic.  I don’t care why or how, but like I said, I feel like a hiberating bear who’s just come out of her cave and needs to catch up with everybody.

Oh yes, I guess it’s also because I feel good these days about myself.  And I finally got around to doing the wardrobe upgrade I so desperately needed, what with all the weight I’ve lost.  I didn’t want to wear only black & charcoal grey slacks to work like I did last year (because I looked terrible in anything else, and I didn’t want to spend any money on “fat” clothes).  Now I have all capri- and other abbreviated leg pants in navy with white polka dots, red (!), and black, and basic khaki.  That was a huge pick-me-up, especially because I was dreading the shopping trip.

My dad’s three acts

My dad grew up in Taiwan during the Japanese occupation, but that sounds bad.  He just grew up when Taiwan was a part of Japan, just like my grandparents did (they took over in 1895).  Japanese was his first language.  Even though he has not regularly spoken it since 1945, when he and my mom went to Japan last month, the Japanese people he spoke with commented that he didn’t have any accent.  Well, he shouldn’t.  That’s the beauty of a first language.

After WWII ended, he began to learn Mandarin.  He didn’t like it; the characters were difficult to learn, and he liked the simplicity of Japanese and its phonetic alphabet.  (That was the one thing the Chinese did not allow the missionaries to do: change their written language into a phonetic one.  It would have made my life a whole lot easier in Chinese school during the 80’s).

Then, as he approached college, he realized that to be a more attractive candidate when he graduated, he should work on his English.  Two of his older brothers worked as translators during their mandatory military service, which kept them protected from the front, so he figured he’d do the same.  Unfortunately, by the time he’d graduated college, the military only took English majors for the translator pool, so that didn’t work out for him.

But as Cheri says, you can have a goal, just don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t work out.  It’s the journey, not the destination kind of thinking.  And so it did work out for my dad when he read in a newspaper while working for the US Navy (because his English was so good, he handily passed their English test)  of a master’s degree program at the University of Hawaii in Honolulu.  It tested prospective students in a variety of subjects, including language (Chinese), geography, history, and, to my dad’s advantage, English.  They had to write an essay on the topic, “A little knowledge is dangerous.”

Growing up, my father recited too many times to count the story of seven blind men who encounter an elephant.  Each has his own description of what an elephant is from his limited reach (though I’m sure a blind person would have walked all around an elephant, but that’s neither here nor there).  One man says an elephant is like a snake, due to its serpentine trunk, while another says an elephant is like a wall, or like a post, or wrinkly, etc.

Now I know why my dad was particularly keen on this story: today he tells me that he believes it was the strength of his essay, using this old Japanese fable as his crown jewel, that landed him a master’s degree scholarship, room & board included.

Isn’t life interesting?

I’ve been taking a history course from the Learning Company, and WWII has come alive for me in a way that it hasn’t before.  And then I read a book “Dog Man,” about the Japanese man whose love for Akitas may have single-handedly saved the breed after WWII.  And then I realize that my father lived through WWII, and even stranger, was a Japanese national during the war.  So his point of view is unique, at least here in the US.  And so here I found out all this history, as seen from a boy’s point of view.

And he even spoke of karma, as a young Japanese one-star general returned to Taiwan with lots of money and married a woman who bore four sons in quick order.  Tragically, all four sons died of cancer, followed by their mother.  The general was alone and traumatized by the age of 45.  And my father commented that people spoke of what horrors he might have committed during the war, that earned him such personal tragedy, a kind of “pay back.”

I don’t know if I believe such things, but it was certainly the first time I ever heard my dad speak of such things.  It’s really been great talking to my dad as an interesting older person.  This is a great time for our relationship!

And now I hit the gym.

Spring blooms

Sunday we went to the farm where my sister keeps her horse, but not to see him.  We went there to see the spring wildflowers in their glory.  Here in northern Cal, spring is the colorful season, because in as little as four weeks, the verdant grass will turn into yellow-brown hay, giving the hills a wastrel, I’m-a-punk-rocker-I-don’t-care-about-my-future-so-I-dyed my-hair-platinum color.

There were California poppies, giant, in their orange best, facing west and covering an entire hillside.  We took pix in a valley alongside lupine and other purple-hued beauties, as well as a yellow scrapper.

In my backyard, right now I have blooming: a lemon bush (oh! the heavenly scent of lemon blossoms), a giant tree with tiny purple blossoms that give off their heavy treacly scent once the sun sets (it’s a spring rite of passage for me, but I still haven’t gotten around to looking up the phenomenon in wikipedia) a tea rose bush, a lilac tree, and a Japanese maple (blazing red and in full force this spring, thanks to all the winter’s rains).

I don’t consider myself much of a botani-phile, but spring always opens me up.  From the moment my neighbor’s gorgeous cherry tree bursts into tiny pentagonal white blossoms (always the sentinel blooms) then our pear trees, another neighbor’s Magnolia tree, our own bushes that I’ve dubbed tissue-paper blooms for their fragile yet large size, to our pink Camellia bush, Spanish lavender (yeah! the autumnal pruning I did paid off in major dividends this spring), assorted purple wildflowers planted by the former owners, rosemary bushes with their purple accents, and my beloved California-native flannel bush with its brilliant yellow blooms in the front yard, the beauty touches me in a profound way.

The abundance, the resurging of life after a dormant winter, the scents….it’s life-affirming and joyous.  It’s no Garden of Eden, but it moves me.

Tires & Cleaning

I know, my life is full of interesting adventures, what with going tire comparison-shopping and, yes, that perennial crowd-pleaser, cleaning!  How do I maintain this scintillating lifestyle you ask?  Well, it’s not easy, and I worked very hard to be able to spend Monday mornings obsessively reading Consumer Reports and their reader forums.  And I had to take the car downtown, so that meant I got my exercise by walking home — yay, a 2-for-1.  Can’t get enough of those.

I almost forgot that I Advantage’d the cat this morning, in a pre-emptive strike against those pesky spring fleas.

Actually, I really am happy that I can spend the time to do such things (researching tires) and not feeling like I’m being “taken,” and making good consumer decisions.  Tires are not cheap!  The estimate came to $700.

The angry white kitty is banging on her kitty door now that she knows I’m home.

Yesterday we roasted our first batch of coffee.  It tasted delicious this morning, incredibly smooth and flavorful.  I look forward to this coffee roasting-grinding-brewing process.

So I just gotta bury the compost, vacuum the kitchen, LR & office, put away the extraneous clothes in the bedroom, do the dishes.  Hey, that’s not a bad list, and if I say so myself, I think it’ll be done in two hours!

Bye now!

I’m in my thirties

And now it’s all happening, the doubt, the uncertainty, the years of work that lie before me….is this all there is?  Maybe I should just do more meditation, but these issues have been churning around inside me in the last week.

So we have decided not to have children, for a variety of reasons.  But as two accomplished professionals, that leaves work the entree in the meal of our lives, and we aren’t really challenged or fulfilled by our work.  It just seems like the school cafeteria where we’ve eaten for years and know every chicken-steak and tater tot special that’s going to be served.  Sorry for the metaphor.  (And I’m actually paid very well for it, so I feel triply-vexed by my problem.)

And I’m really starting to notice that maybe work is unfulfilling because people just want to raise their families, work their eight hours, and be done with it.

Now, I’m not at all reconsidering my no-children decision, but I guess I’m afraid.  That I don’t know what to do with my life.  Now that I see those words, I feel a little silly.  Why, there’s tons of things I want to do, and yet I can’t seem to find the time/space to do them.  (And of course I see it for the excuse that it is).

Creating a good life is work, isn’t it?  Jeff Loves Coffee.  Yep, the capitalization was necessary.  And so he lovingly grinds the coffee beans every morning before making a cup of coffee every morning by hand, using our Aeropress coffee syringe thing.  And now he’s considering roasting our own beans.  The coffee he makes is certainly delicious, but I’m unsure about the time this endeavor will require.  And buying a giant sack of “green” beans, and storage, and other considerations.  So look at all that effort for just a good cup of coffee.

I used to volunteer, tutoring someone in math to pass the GED (not that easy for someone who dropped out of high school, and wasn’t a high-achiever at the time).  But then she moved away to San Diego.

I signed up to be a volunteer dog walker at the local humane society, but I stopped going because it was too difficult for me to do.  And I didn’t feel any fulfillment from it.

My therapist pointed out that I needed to stop searching for things outside myself, and look inward instead.  Well, I’ve done it, and I feel pretty good these days, except when I’m worried like I am now.

We’re thinking about starting a business.  Something.  But it’s so scary and huge and off-script for me, the girl who knew she was going to go to college when she was 5 years old.

I have done very well for myself, actually, and I’ve been working part-time since 2001, which I think is pretty cool.

A crop of people about five years younger than I at work got married about two years ago, then last year they took fabulous vacations to Europe, and this year they’re all having babies.  Again, I’m not envious of their baby plans, but what I am is envious of their seemingly-set life plan.

I’m an Energizer Bunny who wants to have some place to go!  A new plan to embark upon.

My goal had been to write, but I wasn’t doing much of that.  So that’s why I started the blog.  Certainly I get tremendous satisfaction from it, especially because I become despondent when my fave bloggers aren’t writing.

So maybe I’ll eat a light breakfast and then hit the gym.  Things can only get better from there!

The Rx for PMS

Let me tell you what my PMS is like: oppressive, ongoing tirade of what I haven’t done right, enough of, or screwed up.  I can’t escape it, I feel horrible, my nipples ache, I retain water and feel like a cow, then I overeat sweets or savory things then follow it up with its reciprocal taste, looking somehow to get relief from food (which I know I can’t, but that’s beside the point).

And the only thing that makes me feel better, that even the love of a good man cannot fix, is aerobic & intense exercise.  Dunno why.  And I will swerve violently like a crazed pendulum from one extreme to the other.   Once my heart starts pounding, I’m thrilled to be alive!  The weather is fantastic!  All the people around me are beautiful and kind!  Everything in the world is wonderful, just as it is!

I’ve decided that on my PMS days, my husband should refuse to speak to me until he’s dropped my booty off at the gym; we will talk on the way home.  He will only say, “Get your gym bag ready,” as he heads out the door to start the car.

BTW, today was a gorgeous, perfect spring day.  The sun was warm, but the air was cool, which makes for ideal bike-riding.  But maybe it was just my endorphins talking.

Monday Morning

I am fortunate and find myself frequently with Mondays off.

This has led to the Monday Morning Syndrome, a general feeling of malaise and self-attack from all the things I should have done earlier in the week but kept pushing off, with bouts of anger and lack of activation energy to get started on a task. It is truly an effective form of suffering, one which I have perfected.

This Monday morning, however, I find myself well-accomplished at this early hour of 10:41. I have already washed and hung outside on the line (bonus points!) a load of laundry, done the fortnightly Trader Joe’s grocery shopping, and refurbished our supply of Nature’s Miracle —Just for Cats!

And used said product on two innocent victims from an overnight attack.

And buried the compost.

Now I am debating whether or not to take the car in to get new tires or just tackle the remainder of tasks, then hit the gym around 1300. I’m betting on the latter, which includes: sorting through assorted mail and paperwork that have been clogging up the kitchen table, vacuuming my office, and decluttering the bedroom. You know, it’s really not so bad!

Maybe I’ll stop by the tire place in the afternoon, see what’s on their plate.

Hair

OK, so I got this great haircut on Wednesday, so I instinctively wanted to dye my hair to go with the new “look.”

But luckily, you need to have clean hair to dye, so I jumped into the shower only to discover that the process begins with dry hair. Then I thought about it some more, and I realized that it was certainly laughable that I was dyeing my hair, when I have so few hairs that I could pluck out the offending parties.

So I have my dye, but I really don’t think now is the time.

I imagine there will be some morning where there’s more grey than I’m comfortable with, and then I’ll do it. It’s difficult, trying to understand the ageing process. Wow, all these words that end in “eing.” It’s making me uncomfortable.

Had a good weekend, saw “Be Kind Rewind,” a silly Jack Black film, but one that actually left me with a tear in the eye. Mowed the lawn — at our house at this time of the year, that’s an achievement, let me tell you. Last spring, we put it off so long that we literally had to scythe it down in May. It was an unfortunate situation. So getting the lawn done today was a major achievement. And hubby did all the dishes.

While I made a yummy mango-blueberry-blackberry-strawberry-banana smoothie. Sounds great, huh? I buy frozen berries so I get the insta-cold temperature. And hubby is trying to eat more calorically-nutritious things, so I added a scoop of soy protein powder, vanilla flavored. You wouldn’t believe how delicious it smells!

So I had lots of salad greens, after making my favorite Jamie Oliver Asian salad. Delish!

And we had a wonderful not-Easter brunch of:

two egg omelettes: mine with zukes, pepper, and cheese

hash browns from fresh potatoes

Kona coffee

fresh orange slices

It was a simple day full of simple food, but it was far from ordinary.