I’m in my thirties

And now it’s all happening, the doubt, the uncertainty, the years of work that lie before me….is this all there is?  Maybe I should just do more meditation, but these issues have been churning around inside me in the last week.

So we have decided not to have children, for a variety of reasons.  But as two accomplished professionals, that leaves work the entree in the meal of our lives, and we aren’t really challenged or fulfilled by our work.  It just seems like the school cafeteria where we’ve eaten for years and know every chicken-steak and tater tot special that’s going to be served.  Sorry for the metaphor.  (And I’m actually paid very well for it, so I feel triply-vexed by my problem.)

And I’m really starting to notice that maybe work is unfulfilling because people just want to raise their families, work their eight hours, and be done with it.

Now, I’m not at all reconsidering my no-children decision, but I guess I’m afraid.  That I don’t know what to do with my life.  Now that I see those words, I feel a little silly.  Why, there’s tons of things I want to do, and yet I can’t seem to find the time/space to do them.  (And of course I see it for the excuse that it is).

Creating a good life is work, isn’t it?  Jeff Loves Coffee.  Yep, the capitalization was necessary.  And so he lovingly grinds the coffee beans every morning before making a cup of coffee every morning by hand, using our Aeropress coffee syringe thing.  And now he’s considering roasting our own beans.  The coffee he makes is certainly delicious, but I’m unsure about the time this endeavor will require.  And buying a giant sack of “green” beans, and storage, and other considerations.  So look at all that effort for just a good cup of coffee.

I used to volunteer, tutoring someone in math to pass the GED (not that easy for someone who dropped out of high school, and wasn’t a high-achiever at the time).  But then she moved away to San Diego.

I signed up to be a volunteer dog walker at the local humane society, but I stopped going because it was too difficult for me to do.  And I didn’t feel any fulfillment from it.

My therapist pointed out that I needed to stop searching for things outside myself, and look inward instead.  Well, I’ve done it, and I feel pretty good these days, except when I’m worried like I am now.

We’re thinking about starting a business.  Something.  But it’s so scary and huge and off-script for me, the girl who knew she was going to go to college when she was 5 years old.

I have done very well for myself, actually, and I’ve been working part-time since 2001, which I think is pretty cool.

A crop of people about five years younger than I at work got married about two years ago, then last year they took fabulous vacations to Europe, and this year they’re all having babies.  Again, I’m not envious of their baby plans, but what I am is envious of their seemingly-set life plan.

I’m an Energizer Bunny who wants to have some place to go!  A new plan to embark upon.

My goal had been to write, but I wasn’t doing much of that.  So that’s why I started the blog.  Certainly I get tremendous satisfaction from it, especially because I become despondent when my fave bloggers aren’t writing.

So maybe I’ll eat a light breakfast and then hit the gym.  Things can only get better from there!

The Rx for PMS

Let me tell you what my PMS is like: oppressive, ongoing tirade of what I haven’t done right, enough of, or screwed up.  I can’t escape it, I feel horrible, my nipples ache, I retain water and feel like a cow, then I overeat sweets or savory things then follow it up with its reciprocal taste, looking somehow to get relief from food (which I know I can’t, but that’s beside the point).

And the only thing that makes me feel better, that even the love of a good man cannot fix, is aerobic & intense exercise.  Dunno why.  And I will swerve violently like a crazed pendulum from one extreme to the other.   Once my heart starts pounding, I’m thrilled to be alive!  The weather is fantastic!  All the people around me are beautiful and kind!  Everything in the world is wonderful, just as it is!

I’ve decided that on my PMS days, my husband should refuse to speak to me until he’s dropped my booty off at the gym; we will talk on the way home.  He will only say, “Get your gym bag ready,” as he heads out the door to start the car.

BTW, today was a gorgeous, perfect spring day.  The sun was warm, but the air was cool, which makes for ideal bike-riding.  But maybe it was just my endorphins talking.

Monday Morning

I am fortunate and find myself frequently with Mondays off.

This has led to the Monday Morning Syndrome, a general feeling of malaise and self-attack from all the things I should have done earlier in the week but kept pushing off, with bouts of anger and lack of activation energy to get started on a task. It is truly an effective form of suffering, one which I have perfected.

This Monday morning, however, I find myself well-accomplished at this early hour of 10:41. I have already washed and hung outside on the line (bonus points!) a load of laundry, done the fortnightly Trader Joe’s grocery shopping, and refurbished our supply of Nature’s Miracle —Just for Cats!

And used said product on two innocent victims from an overnight attack.

And buried the compost.

Now I am debating whether or not to take the car in to get new tires or just tackle the remainder of tasks, then hit the gym around 1300. I’m betting on the latter, which includes: sorting through assorted mail and paperwork that have been clogging up the kitchen table, vacuuming my office, and decluttering the bedroom. You know, it’s really not so bad!

Maybe I’ll stop by the tire place in the afternoon, see what’s on their plate.

Hair

OK, so I got this great haircut on Wednesday, so I instinctively wanted to dye my hair to go with the new “look.”

But luckily, you need to have clean hair to dye, so I jumped into the shower only to discover that the process begins with dry hair. Then I thought about it some more, and I realized that it was certainly laughable that I was dyeing my hair, when I have so few hairs that I could pluck out the offending parties.

So I have my dye, but I really don’t think now is the time.

I imagine there will be some morning where there’s more grey than I’m comfortable with, and then I’ll do it. It’s difficult, trying to understand the ageing process. Wow, all these words that end in “eing.” It’s making me uncomfortable.

Had a good weekend, saw “Be Kind Rewind,” a silly Jack Black film, but one that actually left me with a tear in the eye. Mowed the lawn — at our house at this time of the year, that’s an achievement, let me tell you. Last spring, we put it off so long that we literally had to scythe it down in May. It was an unfortunate situation. So getting the lawn done today was a major achievement. And hubby did all the dishes.

While I made a yummy mango-blueberry-blackberry-strawberry-banana smoothie. Sounds great, huh? I buy frozen berries so I get the insta-cold temperature. And hubby is trying to eat more calorically-nutritious things, so I added a scoop of soy protein powder, vanilla flavored. You wouldn’t believe how delicious it smells!

So I had lots of salad greens, after making my favorite Jamie Oliver Asian salad. Delish!

And we had a wonderful not-Easter brunch of:

two egg omelettes: mine with zukes, pepper, and cheese

hash browns from fresh potatoes

Kona coffee

fresh orange slices

It was a simple day full of simple food, but it was far from ordinary.

Going to dye my hair

This is the first time I’m DIM (doing it myself).

Wish me luck! Thank goodness for all those Latinas out there demanding black hair dye! No more “dark ash brown” for me.

Happy St Patrick’s Day

I guess my blog is green-friendly, so it’s fitting that I acknowledge the holiday.

Saw a funny thing, couldn’t snap a photo of it in time:

A pickup truck parked in front of a bar at 11:24am this very morning, proudly flying the Irish flag.  I bet that guy is having a good day. (I just hope he’s not an alcoholic).

Jeff is an official Irish citizen, got the passport and everything.  His favorite Irish joke is:

What’s an Irish seven-course meal?

A potato and a six-pack (ba-duh-duh).

I must say that in our Tour of the Capitals trip of London-Dublin-Paris, we saw more drunk people in our first fifteen minutes in Dublin than we did our entire trip.  But they weren’t the Irish-eyes-are-smilin’ drunk, they were Irish-eyes-are-glassy, life-is-rotten-so-I’ll-have-another-surely-the-answer-to-my-problems-are-at-the-bottom-of-this-Imperial-pint-glass drunk.

On the bright side, the crumpled asleep woman I saw on the DART train perfectly held her can of beer so that it didn’t spill.

Here’s AA to you!

Hot Lava

One of the high points at the Big Island was seeing the current lava flow.  The last time the Big Island had “official” lava viewing stations was late 2001-early 2002, but if you look on youtube there are guerilla videos from people who hiked across private property and found some flow.

We were in Volcano Village on Tuesday, Wednesday, and half of Thursday.  Sadly, the lava viewing wouldn’t open until Saturday, the day we left!  The drive to the east side of the island is long, on two-lane country roads that have a 55 mph speed limit, so it takes a good three hours or so to get there.  The prospect of driving there and back in one day was daunting, since I could hardly tolerate one leg of the journey.  Yet, how could we not try to catch the lava, since we were lucky enough to have a flight that left in the evening?

So we left Kona Village at 9am, feeling smug because the official opening wasn’t until 1400, and knew that we’d be one of the early people.  As it turned out, we arrived at 12noon and waited two hours and were the 21st car in line.  It couldn’t have turned out much better than that.  We were lucky to be one of the early few and were able to drive about a mile in before we parked.  Others not so lucky abandoned their cars earlier and had to hike that much farther.  Had we arrived much later, we wouldn’t have been able to view as long as we did in order to catch our plane out.

It was a hot, cloudless day on a road devoid of shade.  Waiting from 1200-1400 was trying, since we didn’t want to run the engine.  I slathered on the SPF 50 sunblock, but I ended up getting some color.

We had bought a case of 1.5-liter bottles of water on the day we arrived, and we were down to 6 bottles.  We decided we could give away three bottles to people we liked the look of.  It was hot on the black lava.  Jeff commented at one point that he could feel himself getting dehydrated sitting outside, despite being in the shade.

What can I say?  Pele is one hottie (sorry, had to).  The lava flow was slow but constant, like extra-thick corn syrup running down a steep incline.  It was flowing over old lava that had hardy ferns lodged in the cracks.  Whenever the lava smothered one of these plants, a small fire would exist for a few seconds, before snuffing out in steam.  This was truly awesome, seeing the force and power of Madame Pele.

A thick black crust on top, which was the quicker-cooling lava, looked like ropes of hair when it bunched up together while eddying around a rock.  We were fortunate to be in a quickly-filling valley and could appreciate the speed that things were moving.

We had to tear ourselves away, knowing that no matter how long we stayed, there would still be a reason to watch.  The photos can’t convey the power, the heat, the outright danger, but it’s something.

Back from the Big Island

Sigh….I have the post-vacation blues.  However, I am fortunate enough (and grateful) to have a day of transition before it’s back to work for me.  We saw everything that I’d hoped to see, except for rainbows.  That was because of the haziness caused by the volcanic activity that was going on right then.  In fact, the day we arrived, the rental car shuttle driver announced that residents of a subdivision in the path of the lava flow had been evacuated.

I vacated…my body & mind from home.  I was immersed in Hawaii and transported via my senses: the bright-yellow birds we encountered before we even left the rental car lot,  the sound of the palms swaying in the breeze on our lanai, feeling the searing heat of the lava as it flowed six feet away (and what a difference it made, just stepping back a foo or two!), the neon-turquoise beauty of the shallow water contrasted against the deep blue of the deep water.

I like that the Hawaiians refer to lava flow as the goddess Pele, and the metaphor continues as they describe the viscous flow as fingers, reaching out.  Standing next to Pele and seeing the bright-orange lava with its quickly-cooled black crust on top, I felt her slash away at my beauty, drying up my lips with her searing heat; she is one hottie.

Waking up the songs of rainforest birds when we stayed in Volcano Village, I didn’t know where I was, they were so unlike anything I’d ever heard before.  They seemed particularly beautiful and especially trilling, but it may have simply been my state of mind.

I had worried that my husband would be swept away by the beauty of Hawaii (and consequently ignore me) but I realize now that I was the one who was transported.

After eight focused weeks of weight loss through exercise (swim, bike, yoga) and sensible eating (no sweets except for fruit and Valentine’s Day truffles and many meals of beans& rice  broken only by homemade and vegetable-laden homemade soup) I arranged my storming of the Kona coast carefully the night before through Google maps: arrive at airport, proceed to Costco for bulk water supplies & bulk macadamia nuts and then quickly in succession — Kailua Candy Company and onward to Mrs Barry’s Kona Cookies!

The only disappointing thing about going to Kailua Candy was that it was our first day on an 8-day vacation, one that would include lots of driving around in a car; there was just no way that anything we bought would survive the trip.  We bought a low-priced sample box and vowed to return before we went off-island.

And Mrs Barry — oh, she did not disappoint.  Crisp cookies that were perfectly browned, butter-licious coconut shortbread (oh, I still regret not buying more when we had the chance), and new-on-me coffee cookies with chocolate chips. We were the only people in the store at the time and liberally sampled from the Free! dish.  I still can’t believe we only bought a dozen.

We sat in the car to munch on cookies while we planned our next move…and in that time a guy (obviously a local) had parked & had made his multiple-bag purchase (a dozen per bag) who joked on his way past, “Are you two going to sit in your car and eat all your cookies?” and we responded in unison, “Yup.”  It made him chuckle.

Poor Jeff was in his jeans (I hadn’t thought to tell him to wear one of the pairs of SPF pants with zip-off legs that we had bought expressly for this trip) and was quite uncomfortable in the sun’s mind-staggering heat.  He was ready for a shower, so we decided to hightail it to the B&B.

I had been a bit unsure about the quality of this B&B, because its price had been so low.  I still don’t know why they charge so little, but for three wonderful nights we had a gorgeous, extremely spacious, well-appointed one-bedroom apartment with a giant picture window and lanai facing the ocean.  Though I didn’t notice, Jeff realized the only thing missing in the kitchen was a stove/oven, but they had helpfully given us use of an enormous gas barbecue, complete with a side burner.

The funny thing is that while trying to decide which “suite” to book, I had read that the one we stayed in was suitable for four people, so I had dismissed it as too large for our needs.  [Passable for four, as two would have to sleep on a full-sized futon in the living room, but fantastic for two].

Fortunately for us, the other two suites were already reserved, so we had to take the larger one.  I couldn’t be any happier about it.  The next-largest didn’t have a private lanai and the smallest didn’t have an ocean view at all (it was the apartment below ours).

We had freshly-ground Kona coffee and a freshly-baked loaf of bread placed into a basket with assorted breakfast stuff delivered to our place every evening.  But later in our trip, we’d have Kona coffee beans to grind every morning in our coffee maker!

On our three breakfasts there, we had one loaf of banana bread & two of pineapple-coconut — just heavenly.  And Jeff ate his first-ever papaya and mango while there, too.

We caught every sunset except for the two while we were on the other side of the island in Volcano Village.  Our first night in Volcano, it was gently misting, and the second, it was overcast.

Though I remembered from my last trip to the Big Island the necessity of changing from my NoCal clothes stat at the airport, I couldn’t imagine how much I wanted my clothes off.  It was like my feet were suffocating in my sox & shoes (I knew better than to fly with flip flops & Hawaii wear — it just gets too darn cold at 35k feet) and it felt so good to take off my long-sleeved t-shirt layered over my black tank top.  Phew!

As Jeff remarked after I peeled the layer off, “You already look more Hawaiian.”  We had only disembarked and walked down the stairs to the tarmac at that point — another 50’s style relic that lives on in Hawaii, like the entire city of Hilo.

By the time we arrived at our B&B we were stuffed with cookies, which meant that it was time for macadamias.  Oh, I go through this every time I go to Hawaii…I consume so many macadamias in my first 24 hours that I simply don’t want to eat any more for the remainder of my trip.  This time was no different.

Our B&B hostess must have laughed when she saw our two enormous boxes of six-pack Mauna Loa macadamia nuts, because they were the exact brand that she left in our breakfast basket.  I guess we’re lucky she even left them, since she knew we had them.

Jeff read the nutrition label on the side of the nut can tut-tutting over the fat content.  “Don’t be a killjoy,” I pleaded, “I only eat them in Hawaii.”

So we showered with the coconut-mango shower gel and shampoo, and  moisturized with the coconut-mango lotion.  Everything associated with body products smelled like dessert.  I warned Jeff that he might be awakened by me licking his arm.

Then we just rested in that beautiful bedroom, listening to the birds flirt and luxuriating in a king-sized bed.  Then our thoughts turned to sex.

Then we went to Hapuna Beach for the sunset, one of the prettiest beaches on all of the Big Island, and turned in for the night.

The flight over had been interminable, so when we finally touched down, it felt like we had time-traveled when we landed around 12 noon.