I’m in my thirties

And now it’s all happening, the doubt, the uncertainty, the years of work that lie before me….is this all there is?  Maybe I should just do more meditation, but these issues have been churning around inside me in the last week.

So we have decided not to have children, for a variety of reasons.  But as two accomplished professionals, that leaves work the entree in the meal of our lives, and we aren’t really challenged or fulfilled by our work.  It just seems like the school cafeteria where we’ve eaten for years and know every chicken-steak and tater tot special that’s going to be served.  Sorry for the metaphor.  (And I’m actually paid very well for it, so I feel triply-vexed by my problem.)

And I’m really starting to notice that maybe work is unfulfilling because people just want to raise their families, work their eight hours, and be done with it.

Now, I’m not at all reconsidering my no-children decision, but I guess I’m afraid.  That I don’t know what to do with my life.  Now that I see those words, I feel a little silly.  Why, there’s tons of things I want to do, and yet I can’t seem to find the time/space to do them.  (And of course I see it for the excuse that it is).

Creating a good life is work, isn’t it?  Jeff Loves Coffee.  Yep, the capitalization was necessary.  And so he lovingly grinds the coffee beans every morning before making a cup of coffee every morning by hand, using our Aeropress coffee syringe thing.  And now he’s considering roasting our own beans.  The coffee he makes is certainly delicious, but I’m unsure about the time this endeavor will require.  And buying a giant sack of “green” beans, and storage, and other considerations.  So look at all that effort for just a good cup of coffee.

I used to volunteer, tutoring someone in math to pass the GED (not that easy for someone who dropped out of high school, and wasn’t a high-achiever at the time).  But then she moved away to San Diego.

I signed up to be a volunteer dog walker at the local humane society, but I stopped going because it was too difficult for me to do.  And I didn’t feel any fulfillment from it.

My therapist pointed out that I needed to stop searching for things outside myself, and look inward instead.  Well, I’ve done it, and I feel pretty good these days, except when I’m worried like I am now.

We’re thinking about starting a business.  Something.  But it’s so scary and huge and off-script for me, the girl who knew she was going to go to college when she was 5 years old.

I have done very well for myself, actually, and I’ve been working part-time since 2001, which I think is pretty cool.

A crop of people about five years younger than I at work got married about two years ago, then last year they took fabulous vacations to Europe, and this year they’re all having babies.  Again, I’m not envious of their baby plans, but what I am is envious of their seemingly-set life plan.

I’m an Energizer Bunny who wants to have some place to go!  A new plan to embark upon.

My goal had been to write, but I wasn’t doing much of that.  So that’s why I started the blog.  Certainly I get tremendous satisfaction from it, especially because I become despondent when my fave bloggers aren’t writing.

So maybe I’ll eat a light breakfast and then hit the gym.  Things can only get better from there!

Monday Morning

I am fortunate and find myself frequently with Mondays off.

This has led to the Monday Morning Syndrome, a general feeling of malaise and self-attack from all the things I should have done earlier in the week but kept pushing off, with bouts of anger and lack of activation energy to get started on a task. It is truly an effective form of suffering, one which I have perfected.

This Monday morning, however, I find myself well-accomplished at this early hour of 10:41. I have already washed and hung outside on the line (bonus points!) a load of laundry, done the fortnightly Trader Joe’s grocery shopping, and refurbished our supply of Nature’s Miracle —Just for Cats!

And used said product on two innocent victims from an overnight attack.

And buried the compost.

Now I am debating whether or not to take the car in to get new tires or just tackle the remainder of tasks, then hit the gym around 1300. I’m betting on the latter, which includes: sorting through assorted mail and paperwork that have been clogging up the kitchen table, vacuuming my office, and decluttering the bedroom. You know, it’s really not so bad!

Maybe I’ll stop by the tire place in the afternoon, see what’s on their plate.

Wednesday morning

I just got off two consecutive days of work, twenty hours total, and I always feel the difficulty of “life re-entry” after work back-to-back like that.  I don’t have to eat room temperature food out of plastic Ziploc containers anymore!  My beans and rice can have piping-out melted cheese on them!

I am sad this morning, but I am sure it will go away.  This is one of the very reasons why I started this blog, to get down to the roots of my difficulties at home.  This is very difficult to do.

I am sad for no apparent reason.  Well, I have a ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach.  There are many tasks I could come up with to fill my day (bury compost, vacuum, clean off the stovetop, weed the front lawn, organize the mass of clothes in the bedroom) but it all feels so useless.  Are those tasks the reason why I work part-time?  So I can keep up the literal housekeeping part of our marriage?

No, I wanted to write a novel and work toward my best self.

The women at work who work part-time are all given a pass because they have children.  I am just regarded as odd.  Frankly, some days I feel odd.  Like now.

The two days were hard.  I woke up stressed-out because of possible errors/mistakes I made yesterday, not much I can do about them today.  This is the way work always is with me, substrate for my anxiety.  A way to torture myself.

The thing is, I had one of my best days ever on Sunday.  The reason was no secret, I had a very high-intensity swim workout around 1pm, and its after effects kept me with that wonderful sense of well-being all the way past 9pm.  So I should do more aerobic exercise, right?  But how do I do that when I work ten hour days?  I feel very trapped right now, so I need to breathe and not find answers right now.

Is that the point of life, to raise children and work?  And if I’m not doing the former, then I’m sort of freak?  I think on some level I think that, or I want so much more from myself than that.

I also need to not work so much so that I can rest my body.  I am not neuro-typical, or at least I wasn’t at one point.  It’ll be nine years in July.

If my house is spotless and there is nary a stray thing in sight, will I be happy then?  I just burst into tears, and I think it’s because I know I won’t be.  Why am I so sad?  Why am I so tortured?  I need to sort this out.  That’s why I meditate.

Am I still just identified with a teen version of myself?  That, as long as I am a certain weight such that I can wear cute outfits, everything is as good as it can be in my life?  I fear that there’s some truth in there.

I got a bounce yesterday because I got parking for free.  At the end of the day, the parking lot attendant wasn’t there like he has been since the first of the year.  Actually, I guess it’s a good thing that I can be cheered by so little.

There need not be any decisions, resolutions, action items from this.

I have a massage today, that is usually something I look forward to.  I am a bit more neutral about it today, but know that I will feel terrific afterwards.  And I will ride my bike there and purchase bread on the way home a la velo.  That’s cool and makes me feel happy inside that I can do such a thing.  Maybe it’s because I have that expectation, that I expect no less, that doing it a la velo is what’s right and proper and if I don’t is just failure.  Yep, that’s it.  Just like my mom expected straight-A’s and me being valedictorian.

Usually I can feel happier if I pose it as a question to myself, thinking of myself as a young girl, Little Jenny.  I can’t have any children because I’m parenting my younger self!  That has taken me lots of good places and I’ve seen how I don’t really value myself.

So what would “happily ever after” look like to me?  Well, I can definitively say that it would feel like how I felt on Sunday, with that awesome state of well-being.  Everything was in its proper place, and even though the house was still messy, I wasn’t upset about it.

It’s like I’m essentially unhappy on the inside, but I can get lifts from changes in my external environment: messy house, ugly outfits, dirty bathroom sink.

What I would wish for for myself is that I could enjoy and feel deserving of this day off.  That’s why I’ve arranged my life like this, so I can have a day off in the middle of the week to have a massage.  And write.  Instead, I can’t even accept the gift and just want to sleep it away.  I don’t know what to do, so I make up a list of very un-fun tasks instead.  Well who would want to do that?

But now I can see very clearly why I feel, especially when I don’t feel well, that I should go to the gym and make all this go away.  But I guess it’s just another biochemical lift and if I really want it to go away for good, I’d better get to the root of it.

Don’t know what to do with myself.  Ok, I am definitely sleep-deprived.  I could feel sores wanting to form in my mouth.

Ok, let’s go down my gratitude list:

healthy me, Jeff, kitty & all my other loved ones (how great is that?!)

I’m a modern woman who has money & opportunities: I can do anything I want, the only barriers are myself.

Great home, car, bike: I have all the tools I need.

I only work part-time!

I get regular massages!

I am going to Hawaii in a month!

I have a backyard and wildlife and pretty flowers and a compost area.

There is much dissonance in me right now, I have much to be grateful for, yet I am still profoundly sad.  I think maybe I should go for a walk.  Enough navel-gazing, maybe.  What would Cary say?  Probably exercise and eat right.  Well, I’m doing it, but it’s tough to do it long-term.

Heck, I even lost weight (half-pound) but you can bet I’d be super-upset if I had gained that much!  Yeah, going for a walk is probably good for me before my appointment.